Often, when I’m meeting with people interested in psychotherapy, I get some variation of the question: how will therapy help me? How does therapy work? Like… what is it that happens in therapy, that ends up helping me feel better?

I think this question and curiosity around this topic is totally valid! A lot of therapy happens behind closed doors, and like with any type of change—things happen slowly and gradually. So sometimes, even when you experience positive changes through therapy, it’s still not clear exactly how the therapy has helped.

So, I aim to answer some of the common ways that therapy helps, without going into any specific modalities or therapeutic techniques. This list is not meant to be an exhaustive list by any means, but could be a starting point to understanding some of the shared processes that happen in psychotherapy to give you a bit of a roadmap.

If you have other questions around the process of therapy, and what to expect if you do choose to give therapy a try, I write about the therapy process from start to finish.

Talking about ‘it’ with someone

Often people go to therapy because there’s no one in your life who you can talk openly or honestly with about specific topics. And finally having that space to let out those stifled feelings, thoughts, judgments, fears— can be very liberating.

Talking with others is an important way we connect, and often the act of sharing your thoughts and having someone reflect them back can help you clarify and refine your thoughts and feelings. In therapy, people have the space and permission to talk about things they might not feel comfortable sharing with others in their lives.

Simply talking about our problems won’t solve our problems, but verbalizing how we’re feeling does help reduce feelings of stress. Often, just talking and sharing our nuanced thoughts and feelings can help us get to place where we feel more certain and gain some more clarity.

A Space without Judgment

Everyone knows that therapy is a “judgment-free zone…” but what does that really mean?

Sometimes, it can feel like you’re being judged for just… existing. You could be judged for your feelings (even if you’re not expressing those feeling in a problematic way), or judged for how others feel about your feelings. And sometimes it can feel like you’re being judged for being ungrateful if you admit that you’re struggling amidst the privileges you do have.

In the midst of all this, it can feel like there’s nowhere that we can just be. Just be ourselves, and have that be enough— to not need to think, feel, or be different than who we are.

Therapy is a space for non-judgmental understanding of who you are as a person, and how you’ve come to the place where you find yourself right now. What a judgment-free environment means, is that instead of jumping to conclusions about you (in other words… being judgmental), I’m curious.

Instead of judging you (as you might do to yourself), I get curious when you share with me that you want to achieve something, yet feel so much resistance and fear that keeps you from doing that thing. When you share something you did that brings up so much shame, I wonder and explore with you where you learned that it was so bad or wrong to be that way.

When you’re not responded to with harsh criticism, judgment, or shame, it can sometimes open up new possibilities to interact with yourself in a new way or with a new perspective. And this can start to shift the way you see yourself and the who you allow yourself to be in the world.

Getting a Fresh Perspective

Relationships are a two-way street— you show care and support for your friend when they need it, and they show that same support back for you when you need it. And sometimes, because we care about the health and wellbeing of the other person and the relationship, we may hold things back for fear of burdening them, or fear that they may reject us.

Therapy, on the other hand, is a space centered around what you need, and only you. Without the responsibility of managing how the other person might feel—finally you can let your guard down and be vulnerable. The beauty of talking to a third party who has no skin in the game, is that we’re not biased towards getting any specific outcome.

Instead, therapy will be about guiding you with questions and ideas, and illuminating patterns that you’re experiencing but might not be seeing as clearly.

Are we making assumptions about other people, about ourselves, or about the world that may not necessarily be true? Sometimes by having a therapist ask for more information or clarify how you felt, you can start to develop a deeper understanding into who you are and what you want.

And, because a therapist is not a part of your life, the extra emotional distance that we have can sometimes give us out-of-the-box suggestions that you may have never considered!

Empowerment

Therapy puts you at the center of the equation. In many of life’s events, there really is no one right way to live. If there were, we’d all be very boring and exactly the same.

But so many people come to therapy because they don’t meet the singular ideal that they’ve been striving towards their entire life.

If we can unpack where you learned that this specific way of living- whether it’s a lifestyle, career, values, etc.— is the ‘best’ or the ‘right’ way to live, then we also free ourselves up to evaluating whether that value or belief is aligned with who you are, and who you want to be.

Certainly, there have to be tradeoffs between all of these dilemmas, and I don’t mean to make it sound like it’s an easy process.

Sometimes in this process, there will be people, siutations, and things that you do not have control over. Then the question expands to include: how do we start coming to terms with that challenging reality? Growing to accept the things we can’t change might pose an existential shift in how we understand the world, ourselves, and those around us.

But if we’re able to get to that point of figuring out what aligns with me and the person and life that I want to live— then we can start to answer the question that lies at the root of empowerment: given all these facts— What would you like to change? What is important to you? And ultimately: How do you want to live?

I hope this was a helpful post to talk about the benefits of therapy and how therapy— and connection— helps improve our mental health.

If you have any other ideas of why psychotherapy works or how therapy helps people when they’re struggling with their mental health, please feel free to leave that in the comments below!