Why Family Dynamics are often Complicated in Immigrant Households
In my work with many first- and second-generation immigrants, the struggle with challenging dynamics with immigrant parents is something that comes up frequently and often is a major source of stress.
I’ve seen so many people come in wondering whether they’ll be able to get to a place where they can understand one another.
While that question is one I can’t answer for you, I think it helps to understand the influences at play that make this relationship dynamic especially difficult. My main hope with this blog post is for those struggling with the intergenerational or family conflicts that I describe—to know that you’re not alone and to give you some questions to consider when you’re figuring how to manage these relationships.
What makes immigrant family dynamics complicated?
I’ll start with this question: What makes immigrant family dynamics so complicated? While every family is different and there are so many influences at play, I find some of the reasons below to be some themes.
Fundamentally different cultural frames of reference— Collectivist & Individualistic values
Western and Canadian culture is largely regarded as an Individualistic culture: where each individual is seen as being independent and distinct from others, and where there is a real positive emphasis on speaking up and taking pride in being your unique self.
Many (but not all) Asian cultures are Collectivist cultures: where individuals as regarded as interdependent with a community, and where the collective emphasis is on living with harmony and interpersonal responsibility.
Often in collectivist cultures, one individual’s needs is seen as being secondary to that of the collective, and where preserving harmony within the family is emphasized— such that individuals are encouraged to communicate non-confrontationally and often indirectly.
Different rates of acculturation between generations in immigrant households
Acculturation is the process of social, psychological, and cultural change, usually of individuals adapting to the dominant culture of your environment. For a family who have immigrated, this is the process of finding ways to honour and preserve elements of your native culture, while simultaneously adapting to elements of the culture you settled in.
Often parents have the preference to maintain and preserve their own heritage and what is familiar to them, over participating in the dominant culture. At the same time, children who are brought up within the Canadian context will often adopt more of the values of their environment.
Immigrant parents usually adapt much more slowly to Canadian culture than their Canadian-raised children, and this disparity is often the source of conflicts between the generations. These differences often show up as parents expecting children to adopt aspects of their collectivist culture:
Expectations of your role in the family and prioritizing family responsibilities
Different ideas of boundaries and advice-giving around academic and career choices
Conflicting beliefs around your social and romantic lifestyles
Challenges in communication and emotional expression
Different views around getting support for your mental health
One element that, while it may not directly contribute to the conflicts, may certainly prolong them– is differences in views around getting support for mental health.
In some Asian cultures, suppressing personal emotions is a sign of strength, and research has found that folks who have a stronger adherence to native Asian values show less propensity toward seeking out and accessing mental health help and resources. The importance of the collective also at times translates into pressure to project a positive image of your mental health to protect the family or community reputation.
All of this can lead to less help-seeking, even in cases when that may be beneficial in resolving and healing the intergenerational and family conflicts or difficulties.
What can I do to manage these family conflicts?
If you’re reading this post because you’re hoping for some pointers on how you might start to manage your family difficulties, below are some general steps that may help.
Give yourself permission to feel how you feel
Remember, feelings don’t have to equate to action. You can feel what you feel, without having to change a single thing. Giving yourself permission to acknowledge and validate your experience, can in itself feel very liberating.
Identify the behaviours or dynamics that aren’t working for you
To make a change, we first need to identify what is not working. Regardless of what you choose to do with that information, it’s helpful to know exactly what behaviour is bothering you, and why it bothers you.
I often hear: well, I know they’re not going to change anyway, so it’s not even worth thinking about what I need. I just need to accept the situation.
We can chew gum and walk at the same time. We can think about and validate our needs, and accept that someone won’t change at the same time.
And oftentimes, solutions don’t just exist on the two extremes of the spectrum– that it’s their way or the highway. In order to find some solutions that might exist in the middle, you need to get honest about what you need, first.
Try to pinpoint what you need & what you’re able to control
Now that you know what’s not working for you, try to identify what that means about what you do need.
It’s often easier for someone to start doing something, than to cut something out entirely, and they might now know what you want them to do instead.
For example, if someone is frequently lecturing you on how to live your life and what choices you should be making, it may be difficult to know what you want them to do instead of lecturing you. So try to identify what you would need from them.
Perhaps it’s for them to ask about your opinion and what you want so you can have a two-way conversation. Perhaps they invalidate your viewpoint, and you need them to validate your considerations instead.
For this, I love using the communication structure: WIN
When you do…
I Feel…
I Need…
Caveat for Asian immigrant households
Now, I know, raising opposition or confronting someone (especially an elder) about their behaviour may not be acceptable depending on the culture of your household.
Instead of verbally asking for them to stop doing something, maybe you try indirect ways of shifting those interpersonal interactions without necessarily confronting the other person. And just see how they respond and whether any shifts happen in those interactions as a response.
Remember: you’re 50% of the relationship. Now, that might feel empowering or disempowering, or maybe it’s both.
You have the ability to change some things in the relationship just by adjusting your own behaviour and responses to the other person. At the same time, that only goes to a certain extent depending on how the other person responds.
And if they’re not willing to provide the support you’re looking for from them, it’s healthy to start looking for that somewhere else.
As always, I’d like to be clear that this blog post isn’t intended as professional counseling or clinical advice. If you’re in need of support, please consider speaking to a professional.
You are also welcome to explore my individual therapy services or contact me to see if I might be able to support you as you journey forward.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
